It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…