A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”