TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My Sentiments Exactly
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
japanese corn
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….