When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Holy crap this is wonderful
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…