I came this close!!!!
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I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”