“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
The options really are this bad
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.