When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…