The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
You Might Also Like
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
bias laundering edition