If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Just had my nails done!
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out