Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
the clam before the storm
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
🔦🌙👣