Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
White Castle for the Win
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
After 35, your body ages in dog years