Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.