I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
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Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
The government even made aliens boring
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise