Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom