If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I’ve had worse
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The Punning Dead.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun