me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?