I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker