“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen