The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
oh u like history? name everything that happened