3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My whole life was a lie.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*