And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”