*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.