[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”