Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
A ghost story
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?