YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.