I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?