Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.