DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”