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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Print is alive and well!!!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.