They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”