Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
is this meant to deter me
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Phones down.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..