Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.