Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat