I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her