alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Tough love is true love
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.