Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
😬
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.