What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?