My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room