[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The best plant holders?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?