I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”