Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.