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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
the three branches of government
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Your honor these allegations are
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?