Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.