[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
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I see your IQ test came back negative
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Taliband
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*