Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I am never leaving this website
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
*aggressively waits in line*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich