When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
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Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”