[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
my first day as a raccoon
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Bros before Ohioes
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.