I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.