Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
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When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The Punning Dead.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.