Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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I have never related to anyone more.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
no one ever comes back
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.